THE BEST OF: The Small Debates
from Tide, Winter 2021 & Ignite, Summer 2021
Leave me be!
Ok. That’s enough. This issue needs to be addressed. I have only one question for you: why? Why, when someone is happily drifting off into a daze, do you feel the urge to snap your fingers or wave your hands obnoxiously in front of their face and ask if they are ‘okay’? Of course, they are! In fact, they are more than ‘okay,’ they are happy, perfectly content drifting into blissful oblivion. They do not need your interruption or attention, and more often than not they will only not be ‘okay’ when you interfere in their peaceful moment. I know that personally I resent anyone if they prevent me from reaching the calm trance I was falling into, so please, in the future, just let me drift away. Don’t you dare wake me up, my eyes are trying to sleep, and they don’t want to look at your grimy hands!
Wet Hair Days
Everyone deserves to walk along the street without judgement. Yet this is something one group of people face on a regular basis – those who, in the interests of cleanliness, decided to shower in the morning and allow their hair to dry on the way into work/school. As someone who achieves this morning miracle on a regular basis, I can vouch for the fact that this is a deliberate decision – it’s not because we can’t be bothered to use a hairdryer, it’s that we simply don’t want to. Hairdryers can have damaging effects on some people’s hair, they require standing in front a mirror instead of getting a valuable 15 minutes of extra sleep and are quite literally a pain in the neck. Ok, sure, showers can be taken at other times of the day, but nothing wakes one up more (in my humble opinion) then standing under some lukewarm spray at 7.00am with a bar of soap. So next time you go to judge someone walking down the street with their hair still damp from their morning ritual, maybe instead appreciate that they’re willing to take a stand and be themselves at the start of each and every day.
Trust me: There's no space upstairs!
There are few things as irritating as the dismissive bus passenger who, upon encountering you standing guard to the upstairs section, refuses to take the hint that no, sorry, there’s no space upstairs. Do they think I’m standing here for fun? Do they think I like being the Charon to the top floor of the bus? Is it not obvious that I am standing here, staking my claim over whichever seat is first freed up?
Ultimately, though, I get the satisfaction I need - when I watch them do their walk of shame back down after checking that a seat hasn't magically materialised upstairs.
So, let me get this straight: I have nothing against mayonnaise — that is, when it’s used in certain contexts. Yet scan the sandwich options in any supermarket, and I guarantee almost every option available will contain a variant of the rich, creamy sauce. However, aside from being completely unfair to anyone with an egg allergy, mayonnaise just isn’t that nice. Sure, it may help moisturise an otherwise dry and unappealing sandwich. Sure, it may add another textural and tasty element to your £3 meal deal. Sure, it may be traditionally incorporated in certain combinations of sandwich fillings. But does it really need to be plastered all over everything? So often, mayonnaise is only present to disguise what would otherwise be a fairly awful filling. I believe it’s time to question what is truly required from a sandwich, and whether we need to ditch the mayo in favour of more simple, flavourful fare.
Oh, and don’t even let me get started on mustard. That truly belongs on a level of its own.